jokes

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both
have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you
are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your
sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway you both say "fu*k you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
You get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun
at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.
She takes you to court and fu*ks you in front of everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female
hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer,
men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.


Subject: 2 NUNS....Sister Mathematical & Sister Logical

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us..

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened.. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Mary¢s!

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or p*ss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major Leagues, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR (or important facts about Star Wars.) If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a ‘fressier’ is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch his balls, or play with his broad in the passenger seat.

WINE VS. WATER

It has been scientifically proven that
If we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of
The year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.

However, we do not run that risk when
Drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
WATER = Poo

WINE = HEALTH

Conclusion: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than
To drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information;

I am doing this as a public service.

http://www.funrestarea.com/pages/porsche.shtml

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed,
>I
>think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think
>I'm going crazy." "Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the
shrink.
>"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
>those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit,"
replied
>the
>psychiatrist. "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the
>psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me
>about
>those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks
>visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender
>cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and
>bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a
>bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't
nobody
>under there now."

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."

"Sorry about, that,"replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"

http://www.jokeroo.com/extremevideos/weird_breastfeeding_lady.html

Luckily I'm not a gamer ...

CODE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBVmfIUR1DA&eurl=


Luckily this is supposed to be acted - according to the one that posted the video

The first thing I thought when I watch it was: wtf?!?! The difference is incredible

CODE
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pw4Bhmm22xo



Another fun Bush jr. video:
CODE
http://youtube.com/watch?v=N8ZI7FVVRpU

This is unbelievable. You can track anyone via their cell phone by using
the "satellite positioning system." Just type in the phone number with
the area code and click "start search." Check this out!

CODE
http://www.sat-gps-locate.com

Why Newton committed suicide


Here is the reason. Why Newton Committed Suicide.....


Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.

Here are a few scenes


1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!


2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.


3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... the gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!

The 'climax' finally arrives. Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?) Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

http://www.toilette-humor.com/computers/computer_software.html